Andromeda's Archives

Dear “J”,

I wrote this back in January - On a BAD day- I want to make sure I note that I love my husband UNCONDITIONALLY- Hence 12 - MOSTLY happy years - but sometimes? It's just ... Too Much - And that's what this blog is about- It's raw- and written during an emotional moment so please don't tell me how I should be more understanding- or how selfish I feel- these are REAL - and RAW emotions-  read at your own risk..

Relationships are never easy ...... ....But loving a man with Asperger's? Can be exceptionally Confusing....

A year of financial collapse, family separation, and spiritual renewal. How losing everything taught me what actually matters. A 2012 transformation story.

If you asked me what the plan was back in the beginning of May? I would have told you I was in full swing, writing books, working on my business, and enjoying life and my family. It's funny how life can fall out from under you though. Even though my husband's company sold out in November, it wasn't until May that the company who bought it out- made it apparent that our lifestyle was going to change. With a few poor choices on my husband's behalf (and most undoubtedly mine as well) - we came face to face with losing everything, we could hardly pay rent, I could HARDLY feed the kids, we ALMOST got evicted and I didn't know what to do.

For a long time I knew my husband was “different” but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I met him in 1999 but then we were just really good friends. Now for the last 11.5 years however, I have lived with him, watched him, loved him, wanted to slap him and sometimes I wondered if I ought to just give up. 

Okay, so if you have been following me at all this month? You already know how crazy my life has been. Helping out my friend who was the victim of domestic violence, which ended in 2 weeks of caring for 7 kids who are 85% all Special Needs. When her "incident" occurred I was actually on the phone arranging for PODS to come out and drop off a POD so that I could get ready to move. We have lived in my Apartment since 2005 and we have outgrown it I am sad to say- but it's amazing how much CRAP you can acquire- and other things- for instance? Since moving in here I acquired two more children, a dog and a cat. There is a lot to get organized, a lot of "weeding" through things that I don't want to move - or that are essential to keep. It has forced me to get serious about filing that stack of important paper work that needed to be filed.

I write tonight to share something fairly deep and private. But! Before I say anything- please revert your mind back about 20 years (at least) . I've been thinking about this a lot..  Everything happens for a reason ? Right?  - Or at least I believe it does..... 

Here are the basic emotions I think- missing the key- the EVIL one- Anger. We typically fall into one of 5 simple emotions, Happy, Sad, Unsure, Scared, Angry. One may argue that there are a slew of emotions, for example, what about Jealousy? Well that is one that I think goes into either the category of Anger or Sadness- at the root of all our feelings? I think you can boil them down to the 5 categories I described.

I know sometimes you get frustrated. I’m not always the most open child and sometimes I leave you trying to figure me out like a jigsaw puzzle. Even though I have many words now, sometimes formulating them so they come out the way I intend in order to get my point across is very hard for me. When all else fails I have noticed you respond to my ear shrieking screams. My point is- something- is upsetting me. Maybe I can’t find the words to tell you exactly what it is or why it is upsetting me, but I know you love me so much that you will find the patience and the time to figure it out. You are my interpreter, and my translator. You do it so well that I know,  when the words won’t come- the screams that do- you love me so much you will do your best to figure it out. That being said I also know when you can’t figure it out it is frustrating for you and your patience sometimes wears thin. I’m sorry for that Mom, but please know it’s no fun for me either. I’d like nothing more than to be able to easily express myself and save us both a lot of time and frustration. I promise to work at this more in the next year, and by next year I am sure I will be even better at verbalizing my emotions and feelings. I can’t thank you enough for your patience and dedication while I try myself to work this out. I love you Mom.

It’s been a while since I have been able to sit down and write a blog, life gets crazy with 3 boys and school in session. Heck, honestly life seems busy all the time

This morning I headed out to the grocery store after putting my 8 year old third grader, and my 4 year old ASD child onto their buses accordingly. With me, was my 20 month old baby L.

Summertime….. At first I was dreading it. Missing out on the four hours of school my ASD child would be missing out on meant that I too would be missing out on about the only “me” time I ever get- and it’s not even REALLY “me” time being that I have a 19 month old baby that stays home, but I do enjoy how school allows me to stay on my strictest routines and make time for each of my 3 children individually. When school was coming to an end I felt as though I should put up a countdown until the first day of school. Especially because this particular summer was going to be very much out of the “norm” for my family.

Years of Frustrations, Years of Love

"The beauty of the past is that it is the past. The beauty of the now is to know it. The beauty of the future is to see where one is going." ~Author Unknown

Some days I just feel like if my mouth says "Autism" one more time, I am just going to explode. All day long I spend my time communicating with special needs parents, talking to them about their feelings, and offering insight. Sometimes I just have to step away because Autism is something I pretty much talk about all day every day not to mention the fact I live with it as well.

As a parent of a child on the spectrum, I often am aware I see the world through different eyes than many others. I could rant and rant about my experiences at the ER regarding the lack of knowledge Nurses, Technicians, and even Doctors have about Autism. Often I find myself feeling like, "Wait a minute, you have the PHD, the Education, I'm just a stay at home Mom currently, why do I feel like I know more about my son's MEDICAL condition than you do?"

I can't tell you how many times I dread taking my son somewhere- or at least used to. Thankfully, he is progressing at such a wonderful rate that I can't help but be completely grateful. However, I still have those moments, "Is today a good day to go grocery shopping? Or can we make it until tomorrow?" "Do I really think he could sit through a movie?" "Do I really want to deal with the stares and judgment today?" After all I am only human, I have feelings too, believe that or not. I know that I'm a rock most of the time and I may seem like this Super Hero Strong Woman - but some days are just too much and I'd rather stay in my safe haven at home.