🗄️ The X-Files (Part 4): The Wrecking Ball & The Empath

I read something poignant the other day. It was about how some people WILL HEAL, but by the time they catch up to you? You’re so far past their point that you have no desire for a reconnect.

It literally named the fear that I inevitably have known. Thankfully, “X” is stronger than apparently both of us in a way. Maybe not in the ways I’d wish, but at least he was strong enough to say where he was ‘at.’ Whether he knows what it told ME or not—I’m thankful.

The freedom allows me days like this weekend. I got to spend time with Parker (which was so incredible), and I realize now that I’ve not only been chasing something that actually didn’t exist—at least not in the ways my mind saw it.

I know he wanted to ‘HELP,’ but any form of HELP? Sometimes that can be the last thing a person needs. He withheld information, processing things HIS way, and leaving me in the dust.

And you know what? I forgive him.

But I was so wrong in so many ways. He and I used to think we were ‘too much alike.’ He’s nothing like me. He’s nothing like anything, actually, that I strive to be, what my life goals are, or what I believe in this world. Actually? He came in more like a wrecking ball. I was more than capable of healing on my own—it’s what I’ve always done—and no matter his ‘good intentions,’ he did what everyone else in my life has done.

And he was the last I expected to do that.

It got hard. He internalized. And rather than having an open conversation saying, “Hey, whatever we are doing is distracting me from things I personally need to fulfill,” he just ghosted me—in a time where EVERYONE had abandoned me.

I used to tell him he was amazing. I was wrong. He’s ordinary. But still, he can’t even see THAT. So why did I work so hard to convince HIM he was so much more than he believed? I should have listened when he told me he wasn’t good enough for me, because just like I said before? He has an UNCANNY way about being right.

He was right, because I educate myself to an obscene level, and have done so since I was small—long before Encyclopedia Britannica fit on a disk. I learned long ago the average person doesn’t do that, especially if what they want to learn about is themselves.

As a dismissive avoidant? He’ll NEVER understand the love he lost. A love that didn’t need intimacy to maintain; it would have been fine with respectable friendship. His actions caused me to spiral, and I was acting out in such heinous ways because of how he was psychologically affecting me.

And the sad truth is? Neither of us knew at the time.

He once said, “You are gonna have to write about this in your book” (probably didn’t believe I’d actually finish a project, in all honesty). Because I assure you? He won’t like me telling this story.

In 2009, he and I almost kissed. I told my husband IMMEDIATELY, and although nothing ever came of it, it was me who had shut it down. In the back of my mind, I just can’t help but wonder: Did he stay my friend for 20 years just playing in the head of a mentally ill person, waiting to explore a fantasy, only to absolve himself of all responsibility when it got real?

I fell for EVERY TRICK and GAME a man can run on a woman. For a long time, the cognitive dissonance kept me trapped.

But my compass was never broken. Even in the thick of it, my intuition knew. I literally told him in a moment of clarity: "Your words don't match your actions, and it confuses me."

That was the Dismissive Avoidant colliding with an Empath. I could feel his soul, so I desperately wanted to believe his words—but my nervous system was screaming because his actions were a completely different, unsafe reality.

I finally know what caused the immediate disconnect and the wrecking ball that followed.

I loved him so much it scared him.

Deep, unconditional emotional intimacy isn't a safe harbor for an unhealed DA; it’s a threat. I offered him a love that saw right through him, and instead of stepping up, his internal alarms went off. He ghosted. He tore the house down to escape the vulnerability of living in it.

He is a Dismissive Avoidant who ran from the mirror, and I am an Empath who finally stopped trying to translate for him.

I'm out of the rubble now. And I’m taking my peace back.