Survivor Sunday: Anchoring Your Relationships – Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Changes Everything

Welcome back to the harbor, Siren Squad. It’s Survivor Sunday, the day we drop our anchors, validate our experiences, and honor the resilience it takes to heal.

Today, we are talking about the invisible strings that control how we connect, love, and react to the people in our lives. If you have ever wondered why you stay in relationships longer than you should, why you feel the sudden urge to run away when someone gets too close (or why you instigate conflict when someone gets too close), or why you keep finding your the same toxic dynamic in different relationships... the answer usually lies in your Attachment Style.

Understanding your attachment style isn't about slapping a label on yourself. It is about handing yourself the ultimate cheat code to your own brain. It can afford you the ability to accept - or change things about how you build relationships.

⚓ What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory is essentially the science of how we bond. The way our primary caregivers responded to our needs when we were infants and children sets a subconscious "default setting" for how we expect to be treated in adult relationships.

Before I found secure attachment - yes being something my marriage had grown to become - but not how it started - I was 100% Avoidant (Dismissive) attachment. You've heard me talk about how damaging this can be - as this is my experience with "X". Left to grow over time these habits lock us behind a wall where we never let ourselves truly love others - nor do we allow others to truly love us.

When trauma struck me in 2023 - my secure attachment was non-existent. However, I didn't default back to "Avoidant Attachment" - rather began showing signs of being Anxiously attached. Fearing abandonment - seeking validation - and constantly bending myself to be what another person could love. This particular behavior was a special hell for me and so far outside my personality norm - while dealing with a Dismissive Avoidant - it was a recipe for self-abandonment in the greatest ways imaginable.

There are four main attachment styles.

• Secure Attachment: The gold standard. These individuals grew up feeling safe and validated. They are comfortable with intimacy, can set healthy boundaries, and don't panic when their partner needs space.

• Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment: If caregiving was inconsistent (sometimes loving, sometimes dismissive), a child learns they have to "work" for love. As adults, they often fear abandonment, need constant reassurance, and have nervous systems that panic at the slightest shift in a partner's tone.

• Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment: If a child's emotional needs were ignored or rejected, they learned to self-soothe by shutting down. As adults, they fiercely protect their independence, feel suffocated by emotional intimacy, and tend to pull away when things get too serious.

• Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment: Often the result of severe childhood trauma or abuse, where the caregiver was a source of fear. These survivors crave deep connection but are terrified of it at the same time, leading to a chaotic "come here, go away" dynamic in relationships.

🚩 Why Knowing Your Style is a Game Changer

When you are healing from complex trauma or narcissistic abuse, understanding your attachment style is the key to stopping the cycle. Here is why:

1. It Stops the Shame Spiral When you understand why you have the overwhelming urge to send 15 text messages when someone pulls away (Anxious), or why you suddenly feel the need to create conflict when someone who is genuinely nice to you (Avoidant), you stop shaming yourself. It is not a character flaw; it is a hardwired survival response.

You can change it- I prefer Cognitive Behavioral Training - a method where you can retrain your brain by recognizing the behavior - and choosing to work to behave differently.

2. You Can Spot the "Anxious-Avoidant Trap" Narcissists and toxic individuals often have highly Avoidant or Disorganized styles, and they magnetically attract Anxious attachers. The Anxious person gives endlessly to try and "fix" the relationship, while the Avoidant person takes the supply and pulls away. Recognizing your own style helps you identify when your nervous system is mistaking "anxiety" for "chemistry" or "passion". Love isn't meant to hurt- and when it feels like it does you have to take a deep look into your OWN personal needs and decide what is making it feel the way it feels.

3. It Teaches You What "Safe" Actually Feels Like For those of us with insecure attachment styles, a truly Secure, healthy relationship often feels... boring. We are so used to the emotional rollercoaster of high highs and devastating lows that stability feels like a lack of passion. Knowing your style helps you logically push through that discomfort until your nervous system realizes that peace is actually a good thing. For years - I thought I just didn't love my husband - it wasn't until our youngest was nearly 2 years old - almost 3 years of us being married - where I finally was able to realize that the calm that came with 'safe' - is actually TRUE LOVE - or love in the truest form. We were lucky to ever reach that point as my combination of Anxious and Avoidant was recipe for hell for my husband - I'm not sure how much more he could have taken of the emotional ups and downs my attachment style brought our relationship.

🗺️ Charting the Course: "Earned" Security

Here is the best news you will hear all day: Your attachment style is not a life sentence.

While you may have developed an insecure style due to childhood trauma or past toxic relationships, you can actively rewire your brain to become "Earned Secure."

• Pause Before Reacting: When you feel triggered, your attachment style takes the wheel. Learn to hit pause. Ask yourself: Is this a real threat, or is this my childhood wound panicking? Ask yourself - Am I actually scared of the pain this closeness may bring? And recognize that if you are afraid - the relationship in front of you is likely a real connection - you have a choice - fear the pain that the love offered may bring down the line or own your actions and push through the fear - recognizing your nervous system needs, having open communication - and being honest. The truth is all relationships can hurt - it's part of the package - running from the pain could ultimately lead you to lose the connection all together. Rather than talk yourself into accepting that - because it feels safer - embrace it - and learn how to find a soft place to land.

• Date (and Befriend) Secure People: The fastest way to heal an insecure attachment style is to be in a relationship (romantic or platonic) with someone who is Secure. They model healthy boundaries and don't play games, which slowly teaches your nervous system to stand down. This may be the 'fastest' way? But it can also be an incredibly hard way to heal - keeping communication regarding your urges (to run - to start arguments - anxious insecurities) - it is imperative to be self-aware and always communicate.

• Communicate Your Triggers: Instead of acting out your attachment style, vocalize it. Saying, "When you didn't text back, my anxious attachment got triggered and I felt abandoned," is incredibly empowering and stops a toxic cycle in its tracks. This was the pinnacle of the transition in my marriage - healing my own attachment styles. One day - I was feeling insecure- I hadn't heard much from my husband - who had been on a nearly 2 week run over the road. I wanted to be defensive - and pick a fight - when really I was just feeling insecure and the thought of him cheating had pushed its way into my thoughts. I called him - and seemed short in my responses- I stopped myself and said: "I'm missing you, feeling overwhelmed at home with the kids - and my insecurities have me questioning your commitment. Instead of being ugly and picking a fight - I just have to ask - 'Are you cheating on me." What followed that omission was one of the deepest healing conversations my marriage may have ever had.

💚 The Safe Harbor is Built From Within

You cannot control the attachment styles of the people around you, but you can absolutely master your own. When you finally understand your own operating system, no one can ever use it against you again.

Join the Conversation in the Siren Sanctuary: Have you figured out what your core attachment style is? What is one way it has shown up in your past relationships? Let us know in the comments below, or bring your thoughts over to our private Siren Survivors support group!