From Jackass to Autistic: How My Husband's Diagnosis Changed Everything (Including Me)

Andromeda Siren
Apr 2, 2012
6 min read

(My Current Day Reflections as I share & Post the blogs from This Era of my life.)

How My Husband's Diagnosis Changed Everything (Including Me)

Graphic poster with text Original Post Date: APR 02, 2012 and Self Care Isn't Selfish, plus Andromeda's Archives and glasses.

Hardships, Acceptance, Revelations, Milestones, I Married A Man With Asperger's.

Originally Written: 04/02/2012

How My Husband's Diagnosis Changed Everything (Including Me)

This weekend has been one of the hardest of my life. I felt like I was spinning out of control, everything I knew was not what it seemed. I felt my happiness was threatened, I was confused, disoriented, and EXTREMELY FRUSTRATED.

Just to give you a background, I have been with my husband for 12 years. There have been MORE than a few instances where I feel he is just- well to put it bluntly- a jackass. Many of our struggles have seemed to stem from a couple of common things-

Communication- He never seems quite able to verbalize his emotions- and the only emotion I ever seem to read? Is Anger.

"Insensitivity"- I can't tell you HOW Many times I say something like, "Would it be SO HARD for you to see things from "my perspective"- you don't even try.

I know it all started shortly after my 5 year old was diagnosed with Autism in 2009. I started seeing a lot of similarities between him and his father. I started questioning things. Then- last year my husband and I both took an "Autism Quotient" test. Mine said I am likely "Neurotypical" while his said, "Get Tested you are likely on the spectrum". We both laughed it off. "Wow- guess you are more like P than we thought." Hahahaha- yeah ... well? NOT SO FUNNY.

This morning I am dealing with all these emotions because after my roller coaster ride of emotions over the weekend... things are becoming REAL. Recently I made some new friends who have Asperger's. I have been asking a lot of questions, I've been reading, and slowly but surely? Everything is making sense.

Last year my Husband's family came to visit. They were telling stories and laughing about how as a kid he would just wander away and they would find him in dangerous place. How they would call and call for him- and he'd never come.

Combined that with the fact when my Husband was in 1st grade the school told his parents that he had some major learning disability- and my in-laws response was to not ONLY ignore it- but move and not share this news with the new (and much WORSE) school district. That school district never truly recognized it. In 11th grade? My husband was still testing at a 3rd grade reading and writing level. He was defiant in all forms of authority - and yet? His parents still did NOTHING. (This has me a little more than ticked off given the recent situation).

In addition to that- looking over the years of my marriage? If my husband lost a job it was like pulling teeth to get him to get a new one- he would be FIXATED on the job he had had and loved, and in TWO DIFFERENT occasions? He refused to work for anyone else after being laid off- and was SO PERSISTENT at getting that old job back? That he would. This year though- his beloved job he had worked at for nearly 9 years? Well- they sold forcing him into a new job.

He also never likes to be anywhere that has a lot of people. He's not very social. He doesn't verbalize his emotions well. He stims- of course I never saw it as THAT- but now? Now I do. It seems like now? That we are REALLY realizing all this- now that it's all coming to light? I find myself? ALL MIXED UP emotionally. I mean? I've been with him for so long, I have been accepting- but not without hurt, not without frustration- and all the while I felt justified. WHAT AN ASS! ... Now? I am questioning every feeling I have had over the course of our relationship. So much seems to be explained now. So much more I understand. Yet? I am still having a hard time grasping it all.

I feel like I have been adding to our "issues" over the years. I am finding that I likely have put him into multiple shut downs, I have in all likelihood? Made his life- in MANY ways a lot harder. I didn't get it- I didn't understand- everything was more of a "personal attack" on me- than something he simply has NOT been able to do.

I'm a yeller in my relationship- when I get mad/hurt/sad- I yell. Not so much at my kids- but at my husband? Oh hell yes... First thing I am going to have to change in accepting all this? Is pretty much everything about me and my own methods of communication.

I have joked with friends- and I feel badly now- about the fact it seems to take DAYS for something I have said to my husband to sink in. I use a LOT of words... well? He needs more time to process and I haven't ever been very patient with him. I create an atmosphere at times? That - given my new understanding? Likely makes him want to crawl out of his skin. I have been unintentionally counter productive.

All these revelations have left me realizing? That it's more than just a word- it's more than just a "label"- it has been his way of life- and he's been left to figure it out all alone. Never understanding why some things were so hard for him- never understanding why some of his actions were so far off from how typical people react to things. Not understanding why he was so uncomfortable in his own skin while others may have appeared (at least to him) to react to situations with such ease. That has to be incredibly frustrating for him!

What is incredibly frustrating for me? Is realizing that a lot of our issues? May be a result of this. Even more frustrating is the fact that I am now trying to figure out how I can make my Marriage work- and raise children with special needs. I feel like I'm drowning in a special needs ocean... thankfully? I have friends who are throwing me a life jacket every time I turn around.

Even knowing that I will have to change my thought processes myself? I am finding myself consumed with guilt- for not seeing and accepting this sooner. I am finding myself angry at knowing I have to. I am feeling exhausted and worn out as in some ways I just see this as "more work" for me. I always knew my 5 year old had Autism- I first asked the doctors when he was about 4 months old. How could I see it in my child and not realize how my husband- was struggling? Furthermore? Even knowing that my son was on the spectrum before his official diagnosis- when the doctors told me? The floor fell out from under me- hearing it- made it REAL. I feel like I am RIGHT BACK THERE, 100 times over. I'm up- down- all around and I feel like a giant jigsaw puzzle that is missing key pieces. Most of all? I feel slightly alone in my relationship. Does this mean? I will never have the "support" I want from my spouse- in the way I want it?

In many ways it does. But, I think I have made the decision? That I can do it. I think I am capable. I think. Yeah- doesn't sound so confident does it? That's because I'm NOT. It will come. But I guess the biggest thing I have to realize? Is even though I have been "living with this" - so to speak- for a long time? Doesn't make the acceptance process any easier. I still have a right to "grieve" - I am allowed to be sad, angry, frustrated. All of these things have nothing to do with whether or not I love my husband. I do. In the end? I suppose? Love conquers all. BUT- Not without WORK.

In the end I am accepting this means I need to change a lot of things about my methods of communication. That? Is going to be rough for me. I feel slightly "cheated" that if I want this to work? I'm going to have to change. This in turn makes me feel SUPER guilty because- I had no issues changing for my son- but I seem to feel a bit stuck in regards to adjusting myself to change for my Husband.

When you have a child you have this picture in your mind of how life will go- then? When you get a diagnosis like Autism? The whole world and your perceptions go flying out the window.

It's no different when it happens with your spouse. In the end though? I know we will be okay. I will have to seek out support, I will have to change our family dynamics, and I will have to change some of my own methods. But - now? At least? I feel like understanding this- and doing this- will keep history from repeating itself. Maybe I won't feel like a broken record in the "issues" I have had with my husband in the past- maybe we will finally get over the speed bumps that seem to have been here for so so so long. Maybe? All this? Will actually just allow us to grow as a family. That- is probably the best thing I can see coming from ALL of it. No more ruts- it's time- to finally move FORWARD... And I think? WE CAN DO IT.