A HUMBLING DAY

With healing comes epiphanies, with each epiphany and revelation you get to decide what you are going to do with your new knowledge. Healing is definitely non-linear and messy.

For me? I realized a lot today actually.

I realized that people who have treated me however they see fit? Those who run on cycles - not only have I allowed myself to cycle through toxic behaviors I HAD learned to control and understand but the trauma of 2023 seemed to cause me a great deal of regression. I was subconsciously aware clearly - of how I react to people and their cycles - because after an experience I was able to tell my kids that 3 days is what it would take me to get myself back on track after a disappointment. 

I realize now - that all the times I worried more about how other people might feel - or what their life experiences were - gave them some sort of free pass to treat me with the utmost disrespect and I would just excuse their behaviors. 

I realized that I have wasted so much time trying to give chances to people who didn’t even WANT them? That I didn’t realize new experiences were actually happening - and people hardly registered to me during those experiences because of my shifted focus. 

Caught up like a hamster on a wheel in my head - just running. That hamster? Was robbing me of everything really - and the sad thing is? I'd given 100 new friend opportunities up to repair the relationships I THOUGHT were meaningful from my past. 

But I didn’t matter to those people - not even HALF as much as they did to me. 

I wasn’t worth the actual communication.

I wasn’t worth the HONESTY.

I wasn’t worth the respect. 

They didn’t care how they hurt me. 

Everyone of them has a claim as to what their ‘intention’ may have been - but no matter how based that is? The truth is? Not a SINGLE PERSON has owned their actions half as much as I have. 

I have not only faced my choices and actions but worked for 3 years now to HEAL to make sure I wasn’t hurting the people around me. I worked to get through my trauma responses - to regulate again - I’ve studied so much Psychology and Human Behavior that I actually feel sometimes that people in general are ruined for me. 

Feeling sorry for myself in some regard - I can’t lie - I told my discord squad that I felt like I was having a 2 year old tantrum because someone took away my candy - or worse a teenage level of grounding myself. 

Either way - today was the first day after the 3 I was counting. And I’m PISSED. 

I’m PISSED that the only consistent thing the people who have mattered most to me have been able to do? IS HURT ME. 

I’m so thankful my ex-husband is trying to learn - grow and change - he makes it apparent with every choice - but it took 25 years and a certain level of rock bottom I just don’t know if it can be recovered- but at least we are both TRYING. 

Other people in my life? Just took what they wanted - fed their own needs and I went through what is known as a toxic relationship discard - because I haven’t survived enough already, and my “best friend” had an ego that was so incredibly fragile that he would allow his emotional state of mind to cloud the meaning behind my message. 

He completely lost sight of what he knew for 17 years - let my illness take the center stage and judge me based on my actions while healing during the most painful thing in my life - CONSTANTLY making the healing even worse. (See the X-files for more on this topic). 

ANYHOW - today while I was processing what my new levels of acceptance truly mean - and as I said - having my own tantrum - I did what makes me feel the best - drive by the bay and go out. 

First I ran into someone I knew at HEB - it was a simple interaction - but it was crazy because of the whole ‘weird signs’ things that happen in my life. The guy literally has the same name as the best friend I referenced above, he was wearing a Captain America Civil war shirt - which I wouldn’t even know Marvel existed if I hadn’t basically watched the entire franchise with the best friend I spoke of. THEN - this guy says something to me? That was almost identical to one of the first ‘vulnerable’ memories my best friend had shared with me. I was literally shell shocked. I can’t help but in those moments? I am like - “God? Are you trying to tell me something?” - and yeah He is - The message is desensitize myself; stop being so tunnel-visioned.

It was a nice interaction, and I hadn’t seen the guy in a month or so because he changed jobs. 

The whole thing made my head spin - and I realized I’m just so angry that the people I have loved in the past- who I gave a seat at my very protected table could end up 20 years later being some of the most disappointing people I have ever known in my life.

Thinking about what it really means to let go - because for me? I need to work things out and I’ve actually been holding a lot in - all because I didn’t want to hurt an old friend - who recently made it very clear that there was NO FRIENDSHIP left - and I thought - what am I even protecting . 

For me to decide to do something I absolutely know will help myself move past things - I have to express it - I have to let it out - and after 100 chances to let that friend be the person who I could possibly HAVE A CONVERSATION with - has denied that - always stating that past needs to be let go of - without a care in the world that he never answered a single question that would allow ME to move forward and instead withdrew - discarded - gaslit - blame shifted and then deflected his own actions and the effects they have had - well I’ve decided - F*ck it - why am I going to worry about what sharing my story does to someone who doesn’t even consider me a friend - why am I not doing what will just help me - the way I’ve helped myself for YEARS - that’s the way I will best move forward. 

So - I’ve decided I will do exactly that - no matter how it disrupts or upsets the peoples’ lives who will know what I am talking about. 

All this revelation and acceptance means sharing my story - and knowing the possibly psychological ramifications it may have on someone I cared about - but I guess if  people don’t like how I write about them? They should have acted differently - and some people got WAY more chances than others. Having uninstalled social media - handed business accounts off to IG326 for management - and becoming as digitally reclusive as possible, accessing the website for writing as it is my therapy, I was feeling itchy today to get those spaces ready for my freewriting processing that I know it will hold. 

Unable to sleep, I went to the gas station for caffeine - at 1AM - and ran into ANOTHER person who I know- (the good samaritan that fixed Daisy a few months ago) .

And then it really hit: OMG - people do really like me and I’ve been hung up trying to make people who are committed to misunderstanding me - who have no real drive to change or care and their only desire is to live their life in a manner where they can even lie to themselves repeatedly - and surround themselves with ‘yes-men’ - and when I wasn’t one of those? I was punished. (Not to mention the incredible emotional abuse I’ve suffered - yes - I am the person who chases the snake to ask why it bit me). 

That’s not even fair - in all reality? I chase the snake down - thinking I will get answers to why I was bitten - and the reason they want to have their venom glands removed is because I’m able to explain why poisoning anything with their bit isn’t ‘healthy’. (seriously - this is me)

The longer it takes me to move past something? The more worth the pain I have deemed it - but the truth is? NOTHING IS WORTH THAT. 

I have met people - they may not be ‘friends’ - but they are kinder and WANT to interact with me more than anyone I’ve believed deserved another chance. 

That’s the crazy part- strangers have now noticed me and care more about how my life is going than those I used to call friends and I have been so stuck inside my own head? That its like I forgot how awesome I REALLY ACTUALLY AM - even though all I’ve been doing is trying to make other people realize exactly that. 

Why? 

LET THEM LOSE ME - I know what it means when I give up - I don’t like it right now - but I’m no longer worrying about how the experiences I share - affect ANYONE. 

I will do everything to protect privacy - but THOSE PEOPLE will know who they are in my shared content - and they aren’t going to agree with everything I say, they won’t likely enjoy me sharing my experiences to the depth I plan to - but in the end? 

I’ve survived various traumas my entire life - how? By WRITING about it. I’m done worrying how the people in my past are affected by actions - because I don’t have to find people who will ‘understand’ me - and I don’t need to be ‘nice’ all the time. 

Most importantly? 

This is what will allow me to get everything out of my mind and stop missing the chances to interact with people who clearly - enjoy my company and want to be around me. 

In the end? I just truly understand the loss - don’t get me wrong - it’s other people who are suffering the greatest loss - but it hurts me all the same - but I am clearly being  tested with the greatest aspect of healing….. 

Can I choose me even if I know doing so may have ill-effects on those I USED to call friends? 

YEP. It’s TIME. ♥Andromeda Siren