I go back and forth on the whole label thing. Does it matter? I have a child who has Asperger's & Dyslexia, I have a child who has Autism among other things, I have another child who has major sensory issues and more, all these words, all these labels, and no one wants to use labels.
See I'm torn, on one side? The labels shouldn't matter, especially for kids, the struggles are what matter. Assessing the "problem" specific to your child and then working to find a "solution" or an approach to rectify undesirable behaviors- that matters.
On the flip side? If I hadn't learned my husband had Asperger's? Then I wouldn't have had anything to Google, to read so that I could have more understanding. See when I Google Asperger's? I see this:
My husband and I had been together for 11 years when we found out he had Asperger's. That was 11 years of feeling like I wasn't heard. That was 11 years of feeling like he didn't care. I was nearly at my wits end, ready to quit when we found out. I began reading, I began understanding more and it allowed me to be more forgiving, to take things less personally and to definitely have more patience.
A *label* helped me do that.
I know that all too often labels are looked down upon, and I'm not always sure that they are entirely important but in a case like this? They are. Does my husband who has Asperger's feels different? I feel different too, at least within our marriage.
For years I felt as though I was just beating my head against a wall, there was no getting through. I thought he didn't care, now I learned that I wasn't communicating in a way he could understand, I had to change my way of communicating in order for him to be able to understand me.
Change my whole method of communication? Sure.... No ... Problem.
I did it though and for the last 3 years our relationship has been much better but sometimes? I still come up on times where I need that emotional connection, where I crave it. Where I just want to be around someone who can think of me without me having to tell them I need to be thought of. Where I can be around a person who sees everything I do? And actually SEES it - AND appreciates it- even more than expects it. I've worked countless hours to learn how to understand my husband, how to attempt to speak his language and change my behavior that made life harder for him. Just once? I wish he'd hear me emotionally.
I no longer play the girly part that so many of us women do- where we spend all this time reacting and yelling about one thing when we are really mad about another. No - now all my sentences start out by "I need _____ From you" - literal instructions- literal point blank statements. Things where I open myself up completely.
- "I'm feeling a bit insecure, and I know I'm acting a little crazy but it would really help me if you would.............."
- "I'm sorry if I seem crabby, I have a lot on my mind and I don't want to take it out on you, could you please..........."
- Most of these times I request things like, don't go a whole day without calling me. (My husband is over the road 6 days of the week) - or it will be something like, "When you come home I need a little extra help around the house. Can you sweep, do your own laundry and put your dishes in the sink?"
- Everything is specified, everything is laid out there, I use short phrases, "I'm overwhelmed" , "I need a break from the kids" , "I need to spend more time with you when you are here."
For the last three months? I've been doing all these things and it's getting hard not to take it a little personally that I am being blown off completely. That nothing I am asking for is getting done, in fact? The opposite is happening. As though the goal is to push me away, or make me crazy. I keep trying to explain as calmly and rationally as I can that this is all about my FEELINGS - I can't make them go away- I can't stop them -I get that he can't necessarily understand them and I know it's hard for him to verbalize his own feelings but just because mine make him uncomfortable doesn't mean they can be ignored.
I've been here a time or two, I usually have my own version of a meltdown. Then I drop away from society for a month, and not until I shove all my feelings back deep down inside of me will I resurface. I wait until I think I've digested it all and then *BAM* it's all right back- like some sort of awful, rotten regurgitation.
I think that's why so many people who are considered *NT* - or even just not being on the spectrum and being unable to completely understand it - end up having relationship issues with those they love who are on the spectrum.
I don't think my husband is trying to hurt me, but it doesn't matter because it does hurt me.
I don't think my husband wants to end our relationship, but it doesn't matter because the longer I sit feeling essentially ignored the more my emotions will detach.
I love my husband more than anything, and I have had great years with him but I think what scares me more than anything? Is that one day? I'm going to be feeling the way I am right now, and someone will come into my life who does see what I do, who would appreciate it, who doesn't make me feel so alone while I'm in the same room with them as my husband can do at times. What will happen then?
For as many of us who are married to a spouse on the spectrum work to recognize them for who they are, love them for who they are, and accept them for who they are? It sure feels as though it's hard for them to do that for us, which clinically? It technically is.
How are we supposed to just accept that?
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