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So as I am sitting on my porch in the sun, with L in his playpen next to me, P eating his lunch and A doing his own thing, I can assure you I am smiling........Amazingly. Being who I am and not caring much if anyone reads this but fully knowing that if even a couple do- they will look at people differently I decided to share it. I figure If I can share with any of you- the gift P has given me- to humble myself, I would be happy to do so. Before you read anything, please understand that I have only seen this occur to this extent 3-4 times, this is an exceptionally bad day.
Today started pretty much at 2:00 AM, not long after it had ended yesterday. P is fearful of his room these days and has a very hard time sleeping in it. He also has a problem in the summer ALWAYS because of the fact that having more daylight hours disables his sleeping patterns and he is frequently more tired. He asked to sleep on the couch instead of his bedroom after having a not so great night and I put him on the loveseat and A had fallen asleep on the couch. Well P decided to move sometime in the night I guess, to be next to his brother, and he laid there or something but he fell off, hit his head on the coffee table and put a gouge that the nurse stated "Could have been stitched" but given his disability he would likely pull them out- since he doesn't feel the pain as much. So she informed me it would have been merely for cosmetics and now my son would be far more likely to have scar. A scar? HAHAHA NO PROBLEM! First of many I fear since he doesn't have awareness of his body, trips a lot, and won't allow anyone to touch him when he is hurt so there is no way to administer ice. And if he hits his head there is no way to know the severity so I essentially have to wait to see if there is vomiting before I know how badly he has done it.
After our trip to the Emergency Room, we had to go to our grocery store, H.E.B. A Saturday at a grocery store is not the keen idea of fun for anyone with Autism since they lack the ability to filter un-needed information into their brain, so many people, more foods out- more things happening, more noises, smells, textures and colors. Well, it started in the produce section, because P wanted strawberries, and I told him no they weren't clean and paid for. This was not only NOT the answer he was looking for, but he was already being bombarded with so much it sent him into a tailspin. He began by swinging his head from the right to the left bringing it down on the cart right where he had bumped his eyebrow. Fairly hard I may say as well. He screamed "OWIE!" but me knowing that any reaction would encourage the behavior I moved on. I knew he was ok. He didn't like this either so he began by slamming his hands down as hard as he could on the cart, so hard mind you his little wrists would SNAP downward. I maintained my composure and continued shopping despite the thousands of stares people were throwing my way as my child essentially beat himself up and screamed bloody murder while doing so.
As we moved through the meat area and what not he began to calm himself. I was relieved. In my mind these actions indicated something much worse was coming and I am sorry to say I was right.
We passed the crayons, and P has 2 boxes at home. Well, this is where his "typical" - meaning "Normal" behavior starts but is fueled by his Autistic tendencies. He wanted crayons, I said no, he was already having a hard time, and he reacted very poorly. Now sure, I could have just given him the crayons and he would have stopped, but what would that have taught my child? The same it would teach yours- If I scream loud enough I will get my way. But for P- having an "Autistic Tantrum" followed by a "Normal tantrum" just puts him in an Amped mode for the tantrum in general. He began by throwing ALL his weight, that was strapped in the cart SEAT, forward, so much that the seat itself was closing up and moving forward with him. He was hitting his head on the cart, hitting his hands on the cart, and then began to hit me. I restrained his hands as best I could, and gave no reaction to the situation fully knowing that by doing so he would have won the war.
A gentleman who was elderly approached my cart and patted P on the head and said, "awee sad boy!" and walked away. I looked at A and said we have to go NOW. Fully knowing the fact the man had touched him, was a stranger and that P was "in a fit" he was going to scream bloody murder within 5 minutes. If you don't know a child and they are freaking out? DO NOT TOUCH THEM- if they are Autistic it will simply make the matter worse in most cases. And it did. Within minutes of this man's actions P let out a scream that made 20 aisles of check out people stop and stare at me. It sounded more like a SIREN than a scream, I had no idea he could be that loud. ME? I stifled a laugh because I knew now he was getting desperate for my attention- and the scream caught me so off guard, it would have TRULY been funny if it weren't for the reasons that it was occurring. Now mind you I did not LAUGH at my child I held my breath, put my face straight and made no reaction but it made my eyes well up because I wanted to chuckle, believe that or not. Well apparently P was very desperate for my attention and is smart enough that he figured, "She's not paying attention when I hurt myself, she isn't listening to me scream. I bet she will listen if I make the baby scream." And with THAT he turned and grabbed L's face in the back of the cart and squeezed. For a moment I thought he had broken L's nose, P is exceptionally strong for his age. L is screaming, P is Screaming, I have removed L from the cart, People are staring in disbelief, and the cashier looks at me and says, "It's ok Mom, as they get older they grow out of this and become so much more helpful." And I simply stared at her and said, "Well he is Autistic so he is going to be a little bit different, forever."
As we get out to the car, I see L has survived his brother's actions with only a scratched lip and nose. P begins to calm down. I can't tell you how hard it is to ignore the behavior, P doesn't understand discipline, so there is no point in yelling at him, all he would see if I yelled at him, or spanked him, is a REACTION which is what he is looking for. Ignoring him indicates that I am not even acknowledging the behavior so there is no point in behaving in the manner he is. However, every bone in my body after he hurt L? Wanted to holler and scream at him and say P KNOCK IT OFF! and even quite possibly could have given him a swat on the butt, actually for sure. But I compose myself, I say, " he can't exactly help this behavior and you have done everything you should have." I put the kids in the car, put my cart away, and I got in, put the key to the ignition and lost it. I cried so hard I was surprised I could drive home. I'm sure glad it doesn't hit me like that MOST days, I am so happy the good days far outnumber the bad, and well the catastrophic days rarely occur at all. Today? was Catastrophic. But as I said before, I am sitting here on my porch now with L enjoying the sunshine and talking to good friends and now I have even possibly raised a little awareness, because if you have taken the time to read this you know more about Autism and how it can affect a FAMILY more than you did 10 minutes ago.
Thanks for reading as always!
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