"Sometimes life knocks you on your ass... get up, get up, get up!!! Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.” ~ Steve Maraboli
A year of financial collapse, family separation, and spiritual renewal. How losing everything taught me what actually matters. A 2012 transformation story.
Life is full of Change.....
I haven't really written anything worthy in a long time in my opinion. Perhaps it's because I have kind of lost myself in this last year. So many things happened, so many changes occurred, so many trials and so many triumphs- in essence this is the same thing as any other year- perhaps this year the trials were more challenging- perhaps the triumphs were more rewarding- either way- I know this much: another year is gone, I'm another year older, and thankfully? I believe I am another year wiser.
In looking at the photos above my heart is stricken with awe. Wow, my kids have changed a lot... they are all bigger of course, but more than that- I look at the photos and think- WOW - how much they have grown and changed. So much has changed- the house they are in is different, the couch they are sitting on is different, the clothes they fit into are different. I caught a glimpse of a high chair in the photo of 2012- something we will be going into 2013 without. My last baby is out of the crib & high chair phase and is busy growing up fast!
What this year meant to me.....
I don't even know how things can change so quickly. In November of 2011, my husband lost his job of 9 years. The company sold out to another. This set our world into a tailspin and we entered the year 2012 with fear, anxiety and feeling incredibly unprepared. The company who bought out the people my Husband had worked for, were willing to give him a job. However, my husband? Never really has dealt well with change. He was uncomfortable, he was rebelling, I wanted to help him but since my middle son was diagnosed with Autism he had become the primary bread winner (a choice we made together), while I stayed at home to raise our beautiful children. Having one income means that the ONE income essentially NEEDS to equal two. Especially while raising a family of 5.
Thankfully, Hubby stuck it out at his new job all in the name of family, for about 5 months. During these 5 months we actually acquired a bit of a savings, (Thank GOD) - as he was making a little more money. I came up with an idea to start a new company which would give me the much needed *project* of helping people, and possibly building a business. We invested our own money- came up with plans and everything SEEMED to be going well. That is- until the job completely overwhelmed my husband.
When did that happen? Well, A LOT was going on, we were in the process of finding out that my Husband has Asperger's. The summer before, in 2011, we had reconnected with my inlaws. By then I was a "pro" in the Autism department, okay, not a PRO - but you know? I had read it, slept it, eaten it, RAISED it, I knew a thing or two about it! My son, after all, had been diagnosed for nearly 3 years at that point, and I worked as an marketing assistant for a company that did Autism Diagnostics. My whole WORLD revolved around Autism. I began getting suspicious as my Father in law said, "Oh he used to walk out on the field and we couldn't find him for hours!" - all while laughing through the story. This combined with what I knew of my husband, he had trouble reading, he wasn't very social at all, he had ZERO manners when we got together, he had no care for personal hygiene, he was defiant to nearly all people in an authoritative role, and he just struggled a LOT with many things- all his life. And I knew this. WHY - WHY Had I not seen it earlier?!
When my husband decided he just didn't like his job? And he needed to quit? And told me he had a better job lined up? And he in fact did not? My whole world was crashing down. I was trying to be supportive and understanding. My husband can LIE- I assure you- he can LIE- just - he isn't very good at it. Furthermore? He only lies if he feels like there is NO OTHER CHOICE. He avoids confrontation at all costs- so- he lied to me about his *new job* - so he wouldn't have to deal with my reaction. He struggles immensely with realizing the consequences of his actions. He sees the here & Now? But has a very hard time predicting the "consequences" of his actions.
Digesting Asperger's
The new job? Didn't stand up- we ate up our savings, things were rough and all the while I was trying to understand Asperger's. It's NOT Autism- I mean- well - yeah- it is- kind of- but NOT really. My son? Who has Autism? Well, I learned a lot about that- but learning about Asperger's and how it affects an adult? Is a WHOLE new ball game.
So many things were explained, like after 12 years? Nearly every *issue* I truly still had it with my husband? It was explained. This left me feeling like I couldn't be mad at him- or shouldn't be. I became reclusive. I stopped talking about my feelings. I bottled everything up- and that? Is where I fear I began to lose myself.
Finding Myself Again
Once the savings ran out, and I was struggling to feed the kids, and my husband was on job number THREE. I couldn't take it anymore- we were at the end of our lease at the apartment we called home for 7 years. I couldn't afford it, I couldn't afford anything. I didn't know what to do- we had no family and very few friends in Texas where we lived- it was time for me to find myself, and - go "home" - only my husband wouldn't be joining us. He was going to stay in Texas with some friends and I was to head to Minnesota and stay with one of his friends who is like a sister. I needed space, I needed time, I needed to know that my kids would have food in their stomachs, we needed to rebuild our lives. I sold nearly everything, and practically abandoned all that was left minus the 10x10 storage we had for keepsakes and mementos. My life was crashing down around me.
When I was 12 my mother passed away, from there? I lived with my abusive father for a short time while going in and out of foster care, when I was 15 I ran away- and got myself emancipated- then I was on my own. When I was 18? I started dating my husband. So- for 12 years he had been my rock. For 12 years he was always there. For 12 years- he was by my side and I was NEVER ALONE. On August 1st 2012, I left my husband and I went to stay with some friends for a week before heading off to MN where I was going - in all reality - to run away from my problems.
Amazing Friends & Healing
Before heading to Minnesota, I stopped by a friend's house whom I had met only on the internet. She is an Angel, and a healer. She also happens to have Asperger's.
She helped me with my own *issues* regarding my husband. She asked me the tough questions, and she undoubtedly told me what I didn't want to hear. She helped me read my children better. But most importantly? She pointed out that somewhere along the way- I had - lost- or rather misplaced my faith.
I wouldn't call myself a *Bible Thumper* by any means, but I will tell you I have always believed in God. I pray, I pray for my friends, I pray for my family- I pray for strangers when I see a fire truck or an ambulance. I do not - however very often ask for help- well unless I have lost my keys... that is a sure way for me to pray to God for HELP.
I gave thanks often but maybe not often enough. Having faith is something - that is the toughest thing to do when times are hard and you are a believer. That's when "evil" steps in and tries to steal your comfort. It's easy to believe and be thankful when everything is *right* but not so easy when you are struggling and the whole world is crashing down around you.
I was anxiety ridden, I was on edge, I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin. Nothing was right- everything was wrong and I just wanted to GET AWAY! But the question was? Was I doing it for the RIGHT REASONS?
As my friend asked me the tough questions, I kept answering with "justifications" and telling her all the reasons I had to do what I was doing. I was wallowing in how hard my life had become. In all the reasons I gave her, for why I was doing what I was doing? Never once did I say: "BECAUSE I WANT TO"- SHE - the life saver she is- made me realize- that the only way that the decisions I was making would change my life for the better? As if I did it for ME- to HEAL ME- not to run from my problems, not to hide- but rather to face them.
The Trip
Before I left, this gracious friend helped me in so many ways. She got me a "makeover" before I left, her husband helped me find an extremely cheap rental, and she filled my "Faith Box" with love and belief. With that- ME- the woman scared to drive 30 miles in my own town- took off driving into the sunrise with three children. 1400 miles to go.
It was an amazing drive, every mile down my smile widened, every mile I went I FELT I was doing what I was doing for the RIGHT reasons- not because I HAD to necessarily- but because I NEEDED to - I needed to get my life, and my family's life back on track.
In just 36 hours we arrived in MN at my friend's house (actually she was like a sister to my husband and this would be the first time we- as 'real life' friends actually got together).
I was ecstatic to see her! I knew her- before we moved to Texas- but we had never been 'friends' . Our friendship started a few months after we began residing in TX. We talked nearly every day- she was undoubtedly one of my BEST friends, and staying with her and her family was MORE than amazing!
She was very interested in my son P (ASD/SPD/APD/probable ADHD). She saw him for who he was- she wrote a little piece about it- I hope she allows me to share it with you all very soon.
She loved us unconditionally, opened her doors to us, and there? We stayed for nearly 3 months!
What I Learned
I wish I could tell you ALL about my stay in MN, there were SO MANY adventures! But - this blog is clearly long enough as is. The important thing is- I found myself once again. I saw beauty in things I had forgotten. I slowed down. I helped my friends (I hope) as much as they helped me.
I fell in love with a family who accepted mine with flaws and all, and even though my son broke a custom made window, even though we ended up in a hotel after a horrendous skunk spraying, even though they had little space to share? We had an AMAZING time and it is the best thing I ever did in my life. I miss them terribly now that we are back home
I realized that life is going to be hard. Life is going to suck. I can't run away from my problems.
I realized that life is awesome, and shouldn't be taken for granted.
I realized that I loved my husband UNCONDITIONALLY, I realized- that I was okay without him as well. This may seem contradictory, however it is something I needed to know. I needed to know I was with him for the right reasons- LOVE not NEED.
I realized that life is short and we all need to do what makes us happy- we need to not care about what others think (something I thought I ALWAYS knew) - we need to LIVE. JUST LIVE.
I once again saw the beauty in nature. Things that may seem scary? Are sometimes the most beautiful things.
The Return "Home"
In the beginning of October, I sadly left my Minnesota friends, many whom I never even saw. I feel bad about this in some regards. But I wasn't really there to socialize on this trip. I was there to heal- and I know- those who are TRUE friends will understand that. I also know- that I can't wait to see them when I am there on *fun* terms! - And many others =)
We stopped in TN on our way home, and we acquired a new family member, a black lab who is hopefully (if she has it in her) going to be trained as a therapy dog!
We saw more friends, more friends and more FRIENDS helped in our journey- when FINALLY -in November - we got a new rental house and our family was reunited.
Once we got the house? Well we had NOTHING to put in it. And you know what? I DID NOT CARE - after nearly 4 months of being "homeless", after nearly 4 months of being a SCATTERED family, I didn't care WHAT I lived in or where to be honest! All I knew? I wanted a yard- and I wanted my family. The rest? I figured it would work itself out. Little did I know...........
My "Faith Filled Friend" who helped me embark on my journey? Well she, and her 10 year old daughter went on a "Mission for God" - and I kid you not? They recruited God's helpers? To nearly FULLY FURNISH MY NEW HOME.
Those Angels - who contributed? The Angels who led the contribution? I can't even tell you what this did for my heart and soul- the only thing I know? Is I can NOT WAIT to *Pay it Forward*!
THANK YOU!
The Future
Now that we are settling, now that Hubby found a job he loves, now that - we are accepting we are a nearly FULLY spectrum family - (My oldest likely has Asperger's)- My Husband does, My middle son with ASD and the little one? Who just turned 3 years old likely is on a VERY high end of the spectrum as well - but for sure has SPD. Now that I am home schooling- Now that we are settling we have BIG plans as a family!
I am excited that I am getting back into blogging, - I now know- I can do it ALL with great friends and an Awesome family and God on my side? I know? That 2013 is going to be THE BEST YEAR YET!
May God Bless ALL of you!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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