A mother loses everything—home, stability, direction—and discovers that losing your plan might be the only way to find yourself again. A journey through faith and family.
The Plan
If you asked me what the plan was back in the beginning of May? I would have told you I was in full swing, writing books, working on my business, and enjoying life and my family. It's funny how life can fall out from under you though. Even though my husband's company sold out in November, it wasn't until May that the company who bought it out- made it apparent that our lifestyle was going to change. With a few poor choices on my husband's behalf (and most undoubtedly mine as well) - we came face to face with losing everything, we could hardly pay rent, I could HARDLY feed the kids, we ALMOST got evicted and I didn't know what to do.
My poor choices were a direct response to his poor choices however, that is no excuse and the blame game will serve no purpose here. In the end the point is- that we slowly lost everything we worked for during the course of nearly 12 years, and there was no choice but for the kids and I to go stay with friends.
Minnesota
From there we headed North, to our home town, me without my husband and my kids without their daddy. Overall I needed to go alone anyhow, I had to "re-find" myself, or perhaps redefine myself. On August 1st, we began our journey. I was afraid, 1700 miles to cover, me and 3 kids traveling into the unknown. I have been on my own since I was 15 and got a restraining order on my father after my mother passed away. The thought of living in someone else's space, even for a few months, was un-nerving. I was a WRECK and I didn't know who I was, what I was doing or what the point was anymore, the only thing I Knew was that I needed to take care of my babies.
Finding God Again
My mother always raised me to believe in God. Would I call myself "religious" - by NO means. I hardly went to church, I just knew I believed in God, and that I worked very hard to live in His word. I was losing that. When I think about it now? Bedtime prayers had gotten more scarce over the years, not that I wasn't doing my best to "preach" the belief to my kids. My oldest son has now read The Bible TWICE, one toddler version and one school-age version. But I wasn't as trusting as I was trying to appear to be- only my oldest knows how to pray at a dinner table in Norwegian (a family tradition my mother taught me since I could speak). Maybe? Part of me was slipping.
Our first stop before our trip was rejuvenated. So - on the whole Journey? If you asked me what got me through it all? It was God. And the reason I let God in? Was it because the home we stayed at for the few days prior to leaving? Filled my heart with Love, Belief, Faith and God. I can never repay that family. EVER. I'm not trying to though- because I know what they would appreciate- and they already have it- unconditional love from my family to theirs!
Finding Myself Again...
Once in Minnesota I was soaking up nature, my mother believed (and taught me) that God is all around us- you have to look. She always believed that if you looked hard enough at nature you would be able to fill your heart with the peace that God had to offer.
I did much soul searching, and I think I found myself.
Finding myself is actually an amazing feat. My Autistic son, well- change? I need not tell you. He was slightly destructive, extremely loud, and even though MOST would not understand perhaps? My friend did. It's funny too because we had only been friends online, she was my "Husband's Friend" first- but after moving to Texas she and I began talking online frequently, then on the phone and over the years we have built quite a bond.
She had done EVERYTHING she could to "P Proof" her home, she opened her doors, her family accepted me as though I was family and for 2 months? I felt more at ease (at least when you consider how you feel when you visit another person's home).
During this time- nothing went as "Planned" I was supposed to be working on Fencing For Autism, and little work was accomplished but there were far more people needing me and my "mini team" than we could accommodate- especially with my own distractions.
We stayed in MN for 2 months and had many adventures, and the last week we were there my ASD son broke a custom built window. The family was understanding- but I had a meltdown- I was sick and tired of stressing over his behavior in this regard, he is so destructive. Even though I was feeling better about myself overall? I began to get angry at myself once again for my frustrations with AUTISM. That's what it was- not with my son - but with Autism itself.
That was alleviated when we said goodbye to her family, her 4 year old looked at me holding back the tears as I told her she was the most beautiful smart little girl in the WORLD, how I loved her dearly and couldn't wait to see her again. As we left, P, my ASD son, gave my friend a kiss, and I know why- they had connected on a level that I know I am not even capable of doing with my own son. It was an amazing moment.
From there? We headed to TN to stay with my "Best Friend" who I have been friends with since 8th Grade.
Right before we left, my husband finally secured work that was reliable, but our relationship- STILL has a way to recover.
I made the decision to head to TN primarily because my "BFF's" husband had been deployed. I don't want to talk about where- or for how long. But- needless to say it is a dangerous mission, and she needed me. She was only 6 hours out of my way so I felt I really should go.
After I made the plans to go- she sent me a text, half jokingly. It was a lab. In 2003 I made a decision (laugh if you must I know how stupid it sounds) - but we decided to move to TX because it was too expensive for a new baby and a dog in MN. After I made that decision- my beautiful "Black Lab Baby" was hit by a car before I could return home to retrieve my whole family. I , as a result, have a soft spot for Black Labs.
Anyhow she sent me this photo. I was told the dog was 5 months old, fully potty trained, could sit and do minor tricks, and just really needed a home. Upon meeting her? I couldn't say no- even though we had not yet fully secured a place to live- I went with my gut and said yes. It's one of the best decisions I made in recent months.
When P has a fit she completely deters it. We are following a training schedule and upon receiving her shot records I am pleased to see she is only- in fact 4 months old. She is the best thing to happen to our family- in a LONG time- whether we were "prepared" or not.
In Conclusion
Granted, as I type to you in the hotel I have stayed in for 4 nights, we are not prepared as we had hoped. There are many other misfortunes I could type about - but I don't think y'all signed on to read a book.
I still have dreams for my business, but right now I have to get my family straight first. My husband made a few more "bad choices" for lack of a better term while I was gone. He has Asperger's and his decision making, all alone, without guidance has proven to be trying to say the least for me. But I am dedicated, and ironically- we have never taken the "Official vows" of "till death do us part" - but I am taking my own personal commitment seriously.
We aren't on our feet yet and I hope to be there no later than the 1st of December, so to all of you who are waiting to hear from me and wondering if I've dropped the ball? I have. But- I will pick it up as soon as I can, and although LITTLE is being accomplished- there are still things which are. I need to care for my family right now- and as soon as we have secured living, as soon as we are back on track? Then I will begin my venues again. I ask you for patience and understanding until that day comes. And Graciously Thank you for your understanding.
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