A wife discovers her husband has Asperger's after 11.5 years—and a lie that forced her to see him differently. Too late? Or just in time?
For a long time I knew my husband was “different” but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I met him in 1999 but then we were just really good friends. Now for the last 11.5 years however, I have lived with him, watched him, loved him, wanted to slap him and sometimes I wondered if I ought to just give up.
Some of the things that were a “problem” in the beginning of our relationship worked themselves out. His parents never really taught him much (and never supported him) but that is a whole different subject. Point being, there were many things that no matter how I expressed myself, no matter what I did, there were some behaviors that just didn’t change. Others seemed to lay dormant almost – just when I thought it was safe it would come back to haunt me.
In April he took an “Aspie Quiz” that consisted of 150 questions. His results? “Your Aspie score: 156 out of 200. Your Neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 62 of 200. You are very likely an Aspie.” I am very thankful this happened. Why? Because certain situations had already been put into motion when we had this “revelation” and if they had happened prior to my knowledge, and my attempts to learn what having a husband with Asperger’s meant? I think I would be divorced by now. But I’m not.
Before I get to the beginning of my eventful three month journey let me tell you this.
As a spouse of a Man with Asperger’s I can tell you that it’s not always easy to understand. Not just for ME but for him TOO. Certain choices my husband makes can often stem from various aspects of his Asperger’s, others are just human nature and our abilities to make mistakes. Weeding them out though is quite the job. Before I knew more about Asperger’s? I really thought that he was just an ASS. The thing most of us don’t realize when in a relationship with someone on the spectrum? What is frustrating for us? Is likely frustrating for them.
The other thing I have learned is that adults with Asperger’s often appear more “capable”. Children, although discriminated against too- deal with far less scrutiny in many ways than adults. I plead with you- if you have a child on the spectrum- realize they too will be adults some day and by then they too may have learned how to hide their struggles, but never- EVER assume their struggles have disappeared. They may have just learned to internalize them and/cope with them. Alone.
I used to get so angry because my husband would fall asleep after we had an argument, like nothing was wrong! “It must be nice to just be able to crash out while there are so many things on my mind” Now I know that my loud voice and my THOUSANDS of words wear him out, he’s not “Crashing Out” he is “Shutting Down” AND PROCESSING.
One of the dormant behaviors, which had been dormant for about 7 years, was him lying to me. He doesn’t manage any of the finances, he doesn’t do much of the shopping, his biggest responsibility has been supporting our family, which he has for the most part done an incredible job at. Especially considering the circumstances. I am not going to get into the whole story of the lie, the important fact is, he told me he was quitting his job for a better one, he showed me that employer’s website, WE decided as a couple that it was a good choice to leave his current job. One catch. The job I saw? Was not even offered to him as he had stated. He ended up making a MISTAKE and then? Lied to me about it.
I know how angering this may sound, but because I have taken the time to learn what I can about Asperger’s in adults (more specifically how it affects my husband), I now can apply logic to the reasoning behind WHY? I assure you, those with Asperger’s can lie, not usually WELL and not typically for the reasons we may assume.
For all of us? If we lie we lie to cover something up, we lie out of fear, some people even lie to hurt people. Most of us understand that lies hurt and when you truly love someone, they are the ones who you try hardest NOT to lie to.
My husband is a very honest man, too honest many times. Yet, here I sat, flashing back to an uglier past- but this time I understood far more. My husband’s intention was to take the job he “pitched” to me. He hated his current job so much he was in survival mode, he needed to get out, he knew I wouldn’t approve of the jobs which had TRULY been offered, he assumed he would be able to secure the one he told me about, and when that all started falling through he panicked. Then I realized I had been lied to, I was under the impression that job was for sure, this caused me to agree to him leaving his current job. His anxieties were so high, he was struggling and he did what he had to in order to take care of himself.
He is not able to think past more than today’s choices, he isn’t able to understand the full cause and effect variance of daily choices, the here, the now, that’s it. He didn’t lie to hurt me, he didn’t foresee the destruction that would follow, he didn’t consider what the possible outcomes of his choices could be.
I have come to the realization that both of us have a lot of work to do. It’s not just him, it’s me too, I need to adjust my own communication tactics, I need to realize what sets him off, I need to decipher his actions as what they are and not what I think I see, I need to learn all about the man who has been my husband for 11.5 years.
On the flip side I also struggled very badly with guilt, so many of my actions and words through the last 11.5 years have been detrimental to his wellbeing. I’ve been making many things worse, and how could I not SEE THIS sooner? I have a son with Autism after all!
I am thankful I am willing to work on it. I am thankful I want to learn. I know it’s not going to be easy, but those choices he made had consequences, and now I am sitting 1342 miles away from where he is. I will be here for a few months for many reasons, those which will become clear as I post more of my story.
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