A wife's 20-year journey to understanding her likely autistic husband. How raising an autistic son revealed her spouse's undiagnosed autism—and deepened her love.
I write tonight to share something fairly deep and private. But! Before I say anything- please revert your mind back about 20 years (at least) . I've been thinking about this a lot.. Everything happens for a reason ? Right? - Or at least I believe it does.....
Nearly 13 years ago? I met my husband. I don't like to *hide* my past- so I am not ashamed to say- I met him because I was dating his best friend.
Before you tell me how wrong it was. A girl seeks a suitor similar to her father- and OH HAD I! I was controlled- told what to do- even cut off from my "bestest" friends. My husband? Well - he was one of those on the "allowed" list. He saved me. He showed me that people can love someone without controlling them, the first, the only.
Fast forward to 2006, our 2nd son was born. Something was not "right" through my pregnancy. I tell people all the time? That I knew "right away" .... My only Texas Best Friend- always says - "You knew before you knew" - her memories state- I said through my pregnancy apparently- that something was "wrong" . It's funny too - because I felt disconnected- I felt sad. Yet when I got pregnant with my 3rd son? It wasn't like that- but- in more personal news - I was constipated constantly with my 3rd son- he now also has issues... Hmm? Is it possible? As mothers? We "FEEL" our kids' personalities? Dispositions? Not sure- but I knew something was "not right" with my ASD child - according to friends? Before he was here.....
ASD caused me to learn a lot. A lot I needed to learn- if I may say so myself. Today? I was talking to a close friend- she was my husband's friend first - but WOW do we have a lot in common. We like to "deduce" things (thank you learning machine from like 8 years old - I hated your 'deduction' game- but you gave me vocabulary) - Anyhow- I have heard enough now- and experienced enough to know? I was accepting of the spectrum long before I knew what the "spectrum" was.
My husband has always had issues expressing himself. For now? I shall talk from my perspective. I always assumed ADHD - as I have ADD- and the similarities are close- of course - that is before I knew of Autism.
Upon learning more about Autism? (And in the course of nearly 3 years) I have realized? That my husband is likely on the spectrum. HOWEVER- it wasn't from my experience alone. I would get mad and angry at his lack of expressing himself. That wasn't as bad as his lack of understanding! Because then I was pregnant with our first son? Oh man - We lived in Minneapolis- the place runs on a numerical alphabetical grid- I lived on 57th & James- (57- James) - so - he told me ( at the time nearly 6 months pregnant and the only one working ) he couldn't get a job there- he didn't understand it. I was mad... I threw an Arby's Roast Beef sandwich at his head in the end all whilst spewing anger "IT'S ONLY YOUR ABC'S 123'S YOU CAN GET A JOB!!! Literally- if I told you - 54th and Lyndale- well- a *typical* brain would follow the grid - but apparently I was speaking Greek.
It never made me stop loving him- in times- ? It has frustrated me. I never "got it". Then- we had Peeky Lou. Then? I still didn't "get it" - it wasn't until last year- when my in-laws came to visit that I finally made the connection. I was FINALLY (as I have not been liked by them- in all) able to ask some questions about my Husband's childhood.
I asked- "What was he like? What did he do" the response was: (as per my Father in Law) : " He was a hard kid to manage- he would get out and we would find him at the pig pen (they lived on a farm- and by the way - "HOGS" are DANGEROUS creatures) I don't know how he would slip away." - On top of that I knew that in 1st grade they told my in-laws he needed help- not wanting to admit it? They moved to a teeny tiny town- they didn't share the previous City's findings- and that town? Passed my husband through 11th grade- even though the woman I spoke with said -"He doesn't have above a 3rd grade reading level."
Since then? He is extremely successful. However- we have had major relationship crises- well in my opinion now? Unfounded. I thought I had a reason to be mad. I thought he was just being an "ass" - but no - no. My husband lacks the following.
Empathy- he cannot relate to me- in a time of need. How I feel and connect that way.
He has trouble with expression and words.
He has ALWAYS told me he can't go to the pool (I would get mad- and joke- 'what's the matter? are your legs too hairy) Over Sensory stimulation - likely the culprit.
He literally "Dislikes" (although his word would be hates) Most *typical People* he can't "get" them
He has always been a listener never a talker.
You combined all these things with what I have heard of his childhood? Speech delays, Wandering, lack of respect for authority . Well I surmise? My husband? Has Autism- Maybe Asperger's because he is VERY HIGH functioning- but I won't "prove" myself as a label - sadly - may kill his career.
Since my revelation- thanks to our beautiful son? I have more understanding- I have begun to realize? I "Loved" 'Autism' before I knew what it was. He has one- (if not two) Autistic nephews- he relates to my son P? In a way I never could.
We have struggled- a lot - over the last 12 years. I was mad often- never thought we would "work"- then- my mind? It was opened. And I learned that he? Is SO MUCH like that bundle of joy who is "Peeky Lou" before that bundle of joy was deemed "Autistic" .
Not long after that? I found that on a psychological level? I connected well with those who "like" him. I am now thankful for the understanding. I wish he had parents like HE AND I have been to our children. His parents - were told he needed help- they ignored it - as a result he found his way through life- (NOT WITHOUT 'CASUALTIES') he was charged once for intimidating a special needs Teacher- however - she didn't teach him anything.
He made it through life- he calls me often "How do I spell this" - or - "How do I say this" - or it's "will you send an email for me". (and I do)
My point? WE know now - he is likely on the spectrum- and if society didn't make it so hard? I'd prove it. He took an Autism Quotient test that responded with - essentially - "GET TESTED" . But let me tell you something- I loved my husband long before I knew what Autism was- I fell in love with HIM.
I often lay awake at night and wonder- "Will P have a family?" "Will he find that special Someone" I am so invested in today? I hardly WORRY about tomorrow- but - I can say this? I love my husband. It's not been easy- I've opened my eyes (as I said thanks to my son) often- but- when I see my husband's heart? The world falls into place.
Yes- relationships are possible. 20 years ago? "THEY" didn't have as great of an understanding - I wish his parents had truly helped him- he was left to find out "the world" on his own. He tells me often- "You saved me" - I reply- "Not if you saved me first."
It's true- He did.
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