I can't tell you how many times I dread taking my son somewhere- or at least used to. Thankfully, he is progressing at such a wonderful rate that I can't help but be completely grateful. However, I still have those moments, "Is today a good day to go grocery shopping? Or can we make it until tomorrow?" "Do I really think he could sit through a movie?" "Do I really want to deal with the stares and judgment today?" After all I am only human, I have feelings too, believe that or not. I know that I'm a rock most of the time and I may seem like this Super Hero Strong Woman - but some days are just too much and I'd rather stay in my safe haven at home.
No one told me how contagious Autism could be! I never knew I could become addicted to routines, and that they would make ME feel more at ease. I never knew that I would see a side of people that would make me want to react reclusive and anti-social. I never knew that I would end up really just not caring what others thought overall and become oblivious to their facial expressions and even occasionally avoid eye contact because I wanted to avert from their judgmental eyes. It may not be for the same reasons- but I feel this Autism business has become catchy, at least around my home.
Only when you are a parent of a child who is struggling with this epidemic do you start to see the world through what I have called my "Special Goggles". I see people judge me now- my "typical eyes" never would have noticed that so much- nor would they have cared. SURE I'm wearing PINK shoes? What of it? But when you feel those eyes are judging your ability as a parent, the 'work' you have done raising your child, or the fact that your child is TOO big to ride in the top part of the cart, well you just start to see people in a whole new light, you even question yourself, "oh my goodness.... was I really one of ... THEM?" Once upon a time, I was one of "them." "Them" being- a parent of only a typical child, and I had my ideas on how he should act, how he should be raised.
When I saw a child throwing a fit I assumed they were either spoiled rotten or badly parented. I guess I needed to learn a thing or two, and thankfully I have. P has taught me more patience- like this week at the grocery store, a woman had forgotten some cranberry sauce. The young man who was bagging her groceries, offered to go get it. I had quite a few groceries, nothing that is a USUAL trip but enough that if she let me pass she could end up waiting, and she was already all rung up besides her cranberry sauce. I stood waiting. Soon she and the cashier started talking about moving the line, the cashier was all red- you could tell they were both flustered at the time it was taking.
They began to suggest a suspended order, where she could go and get back in line. This was 5:00, everyone was off work and the lanes were filling quickly. She then thought maybe she would just get it another time, finally I piped up and said, "No worries Ma'am- I am in no hurry." The words made me laugh- 2 years ago I would have been tapping my feet and looking for the next emptiest aisle.
The gentleman behind me almost started grabbing his groceries immediately to move when the young man showed up with the cranberry sauce. The woman looked at me and thanked me, I was wearing my favorite shirt, "Unless you have a child with Autism, keep your parenting advice to yourself," it says. I smiled and said a private thank you to my P Lou, for having taught me that there is NO NEED to RUSH to LIVE.
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