Relationships are NEVER easy....
But loving a man with Asperger's? Can be exceptionally Confusing....
Years of Frustrations, Years of Love
Years of Frustration Coupled With years Of Love .. 12 of both simultaneously. So as most of you know- this week’s blogs were to be dedicated to my married life- with my husband who has Asperger’s.
I’m starting this topic late this week as we have been tied up in other things. I already have written content- that I hide deep within my computer on Microsoft Word. It’s real, it’s raw and I don’t want to start the week out like that (raw I mean).
Before I say anything else let me say this- Marriage? IS WORK – no matter who you are, no matter what your similarities or differences are, no matter what your age is.
We all have “issues” – nobody is ever perfect, and anyone who thinks they have it all figured out is doomed to lead a desolate and lonely life because only when you realize that you – in fact do not know EVERYTHING? Will you then be able to open yourself up to personal growth.
My husband and I have had SERIOUS “issues” over the years and there has been more than a time or two that I was ready to throw in the towel and give up. I have said, “I don’t know if Love is enough.” Now don’t get me wrong- there is a difference between “issues” andTOXICITY. Toxic relationships leave you with no other choice but to abandon ship- but “issues” – well most of them can be worked through. How badly do you want to make it work? Are you willing to work out your own issues or just point a finger at the other person because they make your life hell? Does the other person truly make your life hell or are the ISSUES making your life hell.
Marriage is by no means a one way street and one of the things I found myself fighting over the years is how often I feel I walk this path alone. I have said so many times “I’m a married single mother.” I have NO problem expressing my thoughts or at least I sure didn't think so. I let everyone know what I think when I think it. So how could someone NOT understand what it was I was saying?
The answer was actually quite simple; I wasn't speaking the right “Language”. I was expressing myself, my points were clear (to me), but I was making a LOT of points- too many points. Then my husband would say nothing- roll over and go to sleep. I would be PISSED. Here I am reeling, hurting and angry. TRYING my best to talk it out- I can’t even sleep when I should because of the issues at hand and he rolls over and goes right to sleep? What the HELL is that?
Well guess what folks! That is a shutdown. That is- Me overloading his communication circuit by talking and talking and talking, getting more and more angry that I’m not getting a response, then talking more, sometimes? I've even been driven to say some of the meanest things just to try to spar a reaction. It never worked, and I felt IGNORED. I used to say things like “You don’t care how I feel!” or I would say things like “You just think you can sweep all this under the rug and it will go away.” “Why won’t you TALK to me?” Anything, anything would be better than the shutdown.
Thing is? I didn't see it then for what it was, I do now. That’s one thing that understanding Asperger’s (or rather learning to understand Asperger’s) has done for me. But guess what else that did? It made me feel guilty as HELL. Now here I had an “answer” – which is far different than an EXCUSE, but I felt I had to accept that some of this behavior actually? It wasn't my husband simply being an ASS. THE HORROR! (seriously!) I had to admit my own faults and problems, see what I needed to do, and once again I had to learn a new language.
I was actually pretty angry about that at one time, why do I have to learn how to understand him when he clearly can’t understand ME. (I still get a little frustrated with that aspect now). But there is a difference in him not being able to understand me, and not wanting to.
So for the last year now I've slowly been trying to figure out how to better communicate (with him). I also had to learn (and am still learning) to take his actions for what they actually were and not what I THOUGHT I saw them as. It was like this code that had to be deciphered.
Anger = I can’t express myself the way I want so it’s easier to grumble and get mad about it. Maybe I’m tired, maybe I’m hurt, maybe I’m frustrated, maybe I’m sad, maybe I’m disappointed in myself, maybe I’m angry but the one thing I know is I’m not happy.
Sleep after an argument= Processing time, not being ignored.
Laughter = Possible happiness, or possible annoyance although the laugh may sound the same.
“Oh Whatever!” = I really don’t understand what you are trying to tell me, I want to but I can’t and I’m not going to tell you I can’t so I’m going to appear to brush you off instead even though I really do care.
The “Oh Whatever!” response is one that just makes me CRINGE. I have hated it the entire 12 years we have been together, and it took me 12 years to finally realize? It didn't actually mean “Oh Whatever!”
I can’t tell you how many times I have told my husband he needs to grow up and stop acting like a child, that adults in the real world talk out their problems, they have discussions and not everything is about attacking the other person. That brings me to one of my next biggest lessons.
No matter how I tried to change my approach in the past? When I tried to talk to my husband about our “issues” he reacted with “Anger” only to me? It meant ANGER. I never saw it as anything other than anger and that would in turn make me incredibly angry. Most of the time, looking back now? I get it- when I would want to talk about our problems, and I’d lay a lot out there, and I’d talk about my FEELINGS, he felt it was a direct attack on him. I was passing judgment, and I was doing the one thing that I wasn't supposed to do, the one thing that everyone else in his life had always done. No matter what words I used he heard: “You suck, and you aren’t good enough.” (I wish I had learned that long ago).
Now when we talk, instead of talking about my feelings and expecting him to decipher my personal code? I simply – and I mean SIMPLY tell him what I need. I don’t cloud it up with all my feelings and justifications. I don’t tell him how he needs to change this or that, I simply say: “I need you to ______________” I try to make it as point blank as possible which is really hard for me to do. When he starts his shut down? I stop, change my tone of voice and say, “I need you to understand this isn't an attack on you, I love you.” I try to end everything I say with my truest feeling and not my OWN emotion. I know I love my husband, but when I’m angry – he shuts down and we get nowhere. Instead of “I’m sick and tired of having to do everything around here!” I say, “I need you to do more dishes and spend a little more time with the kids.”
Communication is the base of marriage and if you are speaking different languages, and you aren't being heard? It will be the downfall.
I still have a lot of changes to do, and when I’m upset or confused I try to have a “heart to heart” with myself. I try to not react with my emotions which isn't an easy thing. I give my husband space a lot more. I am realizing that the less I say and the more time I give him to process it? The better off it will be. I think that is one of the biggest things I am still learning and have learned since I started looking at my relationship differently.
When I can’t hold my tongue? I write. Or I find people to listen to me, I still need to vent but I realize that my venting is like a loud steam whistle that completely deafens my husband. So, I vent to get myself in order, and then approach him in a calmer, less emotional state. That’s hard to do when you are angry at a person, and I sometimes still resent the changes I am trying to make because I feel like I shouldn't have to. But I love him, and I don’t HAVE to make these changes, if it’s the choice I am going to make? Then I have to take responsibility for my own choice. It’s not easy by any means but in my particular situation? I have decided it is worth it to work it out.
Just like with my son who has Autism however, I sometimes also find it hard to decipher when it’s “Asperger’s” or “ASS”, I often say that the hardest thing with my 6 year old is knowing when he is having an “Autism Meltdown” or if he is simply being defiant and doesn't think he should have to do what I am asking him. Being married to a man with Asperger’s? Is like an overgrown accentuation of exactly that. It’s important for us as spouses to realize not every behavior is justifiable by Asperger’s or Autism, we don’t have to simply accept every action. I really don’t have a lot more to offer on this- I know that I’m right in this manner but at the same time? I don’t have any advice to offer yet on how to make the distinction and what to do when you do, but I do know it’s important to hold high standards, and not try to excuse or justify all behavior because of an ASD.
In the end I guess the real questions we ALL have to ask ourselves when our marriage is in trouble are: Is it worth it to work it out? How hard are you willing to work? Are you going to work on your aspect and side? Or are you just going to expect them to work on their side?
Sometimes- the only thing you can do is realize that it’s not going to work, that I think would be the hardest thing to accept, I’m not there, and I honestly don’t even think I’m halfway there, at least not now, I was past halfway there a year ago, but things are getting better and I can only help sharing my experiences and feelings will help others get there too.
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