"A mother's honest reflection on raising a typical child after an autism diagnosis. The joy, the anxiety, and the unexpected gifts that come with both."
This morning I headed out to the grocery store after putting my 8 year old third grader, and my 4 year old ASD child onto their buses accordingly. With me, was my 20 month old baby L.
I remember when the doctor suggested P may have Autism. He was 2 1/2 and at the time, my husband and I had always wanted 3 kids 3 years apart, given the recent suggestion we decided it may not be in our best interest to have a third child and stopped trying. Yet, by the time P was OFFICIALLY diagnosed 6 months later- I sat with a 5 months along swollen pregnant belly! By this time I had plenty of time to research Autism, what it meant – things we may have to do- various “side effects” we may be subjected to. I thought at the time I was very knowledgeable- only later did I learn that the REAL learning comes from DOING. Anyhow, as the doctors spoke to me and told me that my child had ASD, they noted my obvious baby bump and said, “Now, we have to tell you this but I don’t want you to over worry.” I then interrupted and said, “I know, I know, I am only 95% likely to have a normal (now I use the word *typical*) child after having a child with Autism, but the good news is that the doctors say that I’m having a girl so I’m even less likely for that fact.” The doctor looked at me astounded and she responded with, “It’s not often I learn something from my clients, I usually tell parents they are 5% more likely to have a child with Autism, I like your view of the fact that you are- still 95% likely to have a neuro-typical child!” This made me smile, deep down I was hardly worried, after all- I was having a girl!
At the time we were ending our 12 week training course in various therapies with Autism Community Network, I actually missed my last appointment because I was going to be having my c-section that day. Sitting in the preparation room before I headed in to the operation room- I told one of my nurses- “If you are going to be in there with me you have to tell me IMMEDIATELY if it’s a boy- they said my first son was a girl too- so I just don’t trust this.” She kind of laughed at me and gave me an, “Oh okay” reply that insinuated I was crazy and there is no way that was going to happen twice to one person. Low and behold- her surprise report that it was- in fact a boy that was born was satisfaction enough for me, yet almost immediately the terror set in. A boy? Oh no, my chances of having another child with Autism just went up significantly.
I know I am a very positive person in regards to my son’s Autism, I am often accused of “glorifying Autism”, but that is my choice. I choose to look at all the good amazing things Autism brings me, but it doesn’t mean that it is ALWAYS like that.
I don’t much talk about the days that P screams this shrilling scream every 20 minutes, and due to the fact that he screams the same scream if he is horribly injured, the same scream if he is incredibly mad or frustrated, and the same scream when he is sad, it makes me jump out of my skin every time, and those days- I label as “Autism Stinks.”
I didn’t much talk about the days he liked to smear feces on the walls or all over his high chair and occasionally eat it and then attempt to wash his hands in the potty, but I assure you – they happened enough I am now convinced I can withstand the urge to vomit far better than I could 3 years ago. That is for SURE.
I didn’t talk much about the fact that he has an insensitivity to pain which makes it impossible to know the severity of his injuries, those trips to the ER because you don’t even know what’s wrong? As you can imagine they always look at you as though- “Well, weren’t you WATCHING him?” Sure, I am like a hair on his head and with him EVERY second of every day- and besides that- I think my brain runs at half his speed because he thinks more than a mile a minute. Too smart- cunning and quick!
I did, however, openly complain to many of my friends that his destruction was my biggest issue. After consulting with doctors they told me that “OCD comes in all forms and he may have compulsive tendencies that cause him to dump out anything that is in any kind of container.” At least since then we have managed to stop the wonderful habit of dumping out any can of soda that still had liquid in it- of course now- he just drinks it when he knows he isn’t supposed to.
My point in all this is – did I want another child with Autism? Not particularly. Would I love that child no matter what? Of course! I kept trying to see the good side of things- hey – even if he did have Autism? At least this time I was ahead of the game and already knew what to do.
So now here we are today, L is 20 months old and has a vocabulary that is unreal, he loves to point and learn new words- his favorite thing to do is use PECS for speech- pointing to and saying each picture- he has exhibited some concerning behaviors- but we all have some Autistic tendencies. Yet it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I am always on the edge of my seat- Could that be a sign? Is that one? Should I be concerned? Then days like today happen, and sometimes- I wonder if I hold him back because I don’t set the bar high enough because I am so used to raising P? But he walked right alongside me today at the whole HEB Plus store. We passed his favorite thing in the world, maybe it is even an ‘obsession’ which is the Disney die cast Cars. “Mom! Mom! Cars- (pointing) Go Go Get a Car!” And I said, “No L not today.” He fussed for a second- continued walking, pushed the cart out to the car and gave me a high-five for being the biggest- coolest- big boy ever!
Sometimes, I don’t realize how much Autism truly affects my life, my ASD son’s life, or my family’s life in general. Sometimes I don’t think I realize how “delayed” P truly is. I guess, I just see the progress he has made and am so proud of him, and I know one thing is for sure- he has taught me to appreciate the milestones that come *typically* to my now not so baby boy.
Yes, I went home with happy tears in my eyes. I guess, this is what it means to “learn to live with Autism”, in every different aspect of my life, and I for one am thankful for the sense of appreciation it has brought to my life.
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