A mother's honest journey from judgment to compassion. How raising an autistic son rewired her perspective on parenting, humanity, and what really matters in life.
Some days I just feel like if my mouth says "Autism" one more time, I am just going to explode. All day long I spend my time communicating with special needs parents, talking to them about their feelings, and offering insight. Sometimes I just have to step away because Autism is something I pretty much talk about all day every day not to mention the fact I live with it as well.
I have been accused of "glorifying" Autism, you know making it sound so much better than it really is. Maybe I do. I know that if I am guilty of that however- it's because of only one fact. I focus more on the good than I do the "bad".
A long time ago I came to the realization that in order to be the kind of person I really wanted to be? It was going to be work. It wasn't going to come "Naturally". I was pretty happy with who I was "Naturally" but I just felt I needed, and wanted to be even better than that. What inspired this realization? Autism. Autism and the amazing young man who has brought it into my life, and to my attention.
I decided I didn't want to be judgmental anymore. It's so easy for us to judge other people and it is definitely part of human nature. We all do it to some extent, "Oh my GOSH! Look at her shoes!" or "Who would cut their hair like THAT!" Those are very mild examples of how far judgment can be passed. It my case, before Autism touched my life, I thought pretty highly of myself as a mother, I was modest enough not to go around telling everyone that I thought that, but my husband, who knows me best of course (and should after almost 11 years) always told me I had such a "big head". Yes, Yes he was probably right, but high self esteem is half the battle in life!
Then came P. He wouldn't listen, he did naughty things all the time, he would scream, he didn't let me hold him, he wouldn't let me feed him and refused his baby food. It was like every single thing was a fight. Wait, why was I fighting so hard?! What was wrong with me?! My first son, A, had been such a well behaved child, he listened, he was a great helper, and we had a GREAT Relationship. P? I Felt he couldn't care less whether or not I was even in the same room with him, let alone on the same planet.
After seeing that whatever was "going on" with P was CLEARLY not MY fault, I mean it couldn't be?? Something else had to be "off". I started realizing that people would stare at me in the grocery store. That had always been my worst fault too, I would stare at kids I deemed "bratty" and scoff under my breath, roll my eyes and think to myself, get a grip on your kid... what is your problem!
Well SHAME ON ME!I was the one with a "PROBLEM".
Every day I am reminded of how much I need to thank MY Child for what he teaches me. Autism isn't always about everything you have to do for your child, or about how hard it is, or about the extra work we have to put in as special needs parents, but even more about what the opportunity that raising a child with Autism can bring to you as a person. What that child can teach YOU, what YOU can learn from them and they open your mind and heart to a new unexplored level. Pride has a whole different meaning and effect. Don't get me wrong I have always been proud of my oldest son, and I still am, he is AMAZING, however when I feel "Proud" Of P I call it my "Autism Pride" there is a whole new level and different feeling to the pride that he brings me.
He made me more aware of the people "like me" -those who stare and you just KNOW they are judging you. Really, I had been THAT awful?? No- I didn't want to be that person any more. So I worked very very hard and not judging ANYONE, I mean I can't be perfect (I still have a long ways to go before I can quit passing judgment on my in-laws) but- hey .. if they are the last people to see the "New" me, then so be it. I can live with that. So, in the last two years I have been consciously working on just being a better person, more helpful, more willing to listen. I hear things all the time I don't agree with but no skin off my back- everyone is entitled to their opinion. I don't harbor feelings of "anger" (ie judgment) in my heart for any second of any day. Do you have any idea how much negative energy you can generate by complaining about people (or their kids) who really have no direct bearing on YOUR life? However, it is human nature to compare ourselves to others and this breeds judgment of course, so now, when I get the urge I stop myself and I ask myself this question:
"Will anything that person is doing/saying directly affect my life?"
When the answer is no, I listen and keep any itching opinion to myself, reason with myself that I don't know that person, or their situation, or even if I do know them and do know of their situation - is it ANY OF my business to tell them how to live their life? No. I think not.
Because of this I am now a better person. I spend so much time being happier in my days, and my quality of life has improved because of this. Who do I have to thank? My FOUR year old ASD Son. Yeah! Pretty cool! IF he has taught me this much by the age of 4 I can only IMAGINE what else he will teach me on his journey through life. It's all pretty exciting!
Now that my personality and mentality is a bit different from "The rest of the world" - I have found that the more people I talk to who have lives similar to mine? The more caring, understanding and compassionate they all are! Getting out into the "Special needs community" has been such a blessing in my life. As you have heard me say before, it's like we are a family, and although we would never HOPE for a new family member, when we have one we embrace them with open arms full of love, compassion, understanding. These are all things that EVERYONE needs to have more of in their life whether they are raising a special needs child or not! We are a LUCKY group of people in that aspect. Many people who have only *Typical* kids will go their whole life without possibly meeting a person like many of us and getting to truly know us- let alone the small congregations of people "like us". Birds of a feather- we flock together and it's not very often you have a conversation on a discussion board related to Autism where there are any arguments, or harsh words - we are all in this together and we have a sense of unity in our life that some people? Just may never experience.
Unfortunately, I feel as many others do- that most of the people I am closest to are connected to me via a computer screen. They talk to me every day, they share the joys and triumphs as well as the "Autism Stinks" days with me. But, I would like to join "Real Life" a little more often with my ASD child and my family. In a place where people don't stare, that we can do fun things, and all my kids get to feel like *Typical* kids no matter how unique each of them are. I often spend so much time, money and energy just bringing my three kids up that I also don't want to have to pay a fortune for my family of five to have a good time.
I am hoping on my own, in time to help organize events that will provide families with ALL these options!
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